The things that can happen when you don't feel good enough

In 2004 Elliott and I prayerfully decided that we were living beyond our means. We thought that the smart and godly thing to was sell our house and move to a smaller, less expensive one. "A big house doesn't make you happy", we said.

We had moved to that house in 1999 from Jacksonville. The kids were 8,6, and 2. It was a big house in a really nice subdivision. Half of the the families sent their kids to private school. Everyone took fabulous vacations, had maids, and had yard men. They went out to eat weekly. Elliott had just gotten some money from his grandmother so we used it as a down payment. While we could afford the house (barely), we didn't think about the lifestyle. You can only say "we can't afford it" so many times. I felt like such a fraud. Lewis Grizzard once was sent to Sea Island and he remarked "they don't know there's a taxpayer in their midst". That's how I felt. I didn't feel as though I really belonged, and that everyone was judging us because we couldn't keep up with the Jones.

It wasn't all bad. I had made two very good friends whom I loved dearly. They knew our financial situation, but of course not the extent of it. I remember being so embarrassed about our "poverty" that I look back now and cringe.

We put our house on the market and it sold in three weeks for the full asking price. But we didn't have anywhere to go. So....we panicked.